a rather personal post for some one close.

things are moving faster than i can hold on to. the speed of it all is exhilarating after being idle for so long. your laugh lifts me up. your kiss warms my skin. just let go. just let go. unsure. insecurity plagues me. i hate that i have to think. plagued with conciousness. doomed to analyze. chained to this ever changing awareness. much fear behind my eyes. the result of all his lies. wanting to believe again. to mend my broken faith. exhault me. lift me up again. you do it every day. mending the pieces of a broken psyche. bit by bit. brick by brick. tear down these walls and build a palace from the rubble. so that i can spend a long, long time looking in those eyes. so i can spend such a long time right there by your side. i'll be the bonnie to your clyde. the sanctum where you can hide. wash away these sins together. side by side. so i can spend forever looking in those eyes.

im so fuckin over today. im done. checked out. finished. knocked out. kaput. ive been done with today since last night. i hate wednesdays. i have 12 hours of class. i mean, i set my schedule and all, but jesus christ. my alarm went off an hour late. i was late to class today. then i thought i had the right paper to draw on. nope. had to go and buy some. fucking awesome. didnt actually get to start drawing until 930ish. i managed to get a damn good drawing out but fuck. it was a two week drawing and i only got one week in on it cause i missed all my fucking classes for tyra last week. so im sitting in fucking world history right now surrounded by ignorant assholes. i went on my break to grab a snack at the corner store. tried to take money out but you can only take out 20 dollar intervals. i dont have 20 bux in my account. so i walk 2 more blocks to the wawa. mind you i only have 15 minutes here. i take money out there. awesome. then i see that the line is all the way around the fucking store! so i decide to walk back to the corner store and guy stuff there. its on my way back. cool.... some where in the 2 blocks between wawa and the other place, i dropped my fucking money..... what the fuck?! so now, not only do i not have food (ate nothing but coffee all day as i forgot to bring shit with me) but i dont have any money to get home tonight. i have to bum two bucks from some one and then borrow money from mom tomorrow..... fml. i hate this shit. im pissed at my job because theyre not scheduling me. i have to go job hunting next week. argh!!!!! i never have any fucking money. im so tired of this bullshit. im over it. im so tempted to go back to stripping. i made bank. i dont give a shit any more. i just want a fucking cig and im out and i dont have money to get more.... i may be over reacting but god damn some days i just wanna blow my god damn brains out

::signing off::

the tyra show

Okay so… since every one and their mother has been asking me about the tyra show (literally… my friend’s moms are asking me), here’s how it all went down. Alison and I took the train up to NYC Tuesday night. Had an awesome time on the train. We sat in the café car and played really obnoxious music haha. Cleared out the car except for the conductors who were hanging out with us the whole time. They told me I look like Abby from NCIS or what ever that show is. So we finally get to the hotel, drop our stuff, get cleaned up and decide to hit up a bar for a wee bit. Yeah…. That was a great idea. Haha I had a liiiitttllleee too much to drink. What evs. The hotel beds were so freaking comfy, I slept great and woke up feeling awesome any way.
So we meet up with Jasmine, the lady thingy from the show, at about 745 am, and walk to the station (its only about a block and a half away). Sadly, they made us turn in our cameras and phones so if any of you were wondering why I didn’t text you excitedly, that would be why. So then we had to go through wardrobe and makeup and all that jazz. I had to put so much make up on, I looked like a death rock drag queen (so kinda like high school haha). E then proceded to hang out for like…. 3 hours. Ugh. The entire time were hanging out doing nothing, im getting grumpier and grumpier because I started thinking about how this is just another example of me doing what makes me happy and being told I need to change it. I mean… I knew all this going in and when I agreed to do it, but still. It wears on you. When every one is looking at your pictures or checking out your shit and laughing or just acting so amazed… I dunno. It wears on you. Al I wanted to do was talk to mom and tyler. It kidna sucked.
So they started the show with Alison who was playing my “normal” friend who is “tired of me always dressing so crazy and tired of the looks we get when we go out” blah blah blah. They start to show some of my crazier pictures to the audience and all I can hear are bad oohs and ahhs and it really pissed me off. I looked at the oother people back stage and was like “it’s just like high school all over again”. So then I came out on stage and talked with tyra for a little bit. She asked me some questions and what not. Then went and sat in this chair with the hair guy (mike) and the maeup guy (sam). They were easily my favorite part of the entire experience. I love them to death. So yeah… they talked a bit on stage about some products that could help and talked a little about what they were going to do to me. It was cute. Tyra took my fake lashes off haha.
I then get rushed back stage where they have about 20 minutes to do my make over haha. Mike is trying to do my hair while sam’s assistant was taking my old makeup off. Jesus it was crazy. so yeah. Gave me a cute outfit. Did some loose curls all betty page style. Cut my bangs (☹) but its okay cause they looks super cute. So then they brought me back on stage. Alison’s jaw dropped and every one in the crowd was cheering and shit. It was kinda cool.
So after all that went down, they drove us to a salon at 6th and Madison. Eiji. It was sooooo cool. That is where Mike works. So he colored my hair and fixed up my bangs a little. We had such a cool time hanging out with him. They let us leave all our stuff (and there was a lot of it) at the salon while Alison and I went and got some dinner. We went to this amaaaazing restaurant called Tao. It was sooo delicious. Then we walked through FAO Shwartz for a bit, then we went back home. We were exhausted by the time we got home. Holy crap.
So that’s what happened. No, I don’t know when its going to air yet, so quit asking me! Lol.

recap of last night's show

so. tyler and i went to see anti-flag at the troc last night. it was, for lack of a better word, awesome. 4 opening bands (menzingers, star fucking hipsters, cancer bats, aiden). didnt care too much about all that. but before a-f played, i had a chance to talk to their manager about a family friend of mine who had produced their last album. he had asked them to take this picture for me --->


so when i was talking to their manager (i think his name was jesse, but it was loud), he reaches down and hands me a copy of "bright lights of america" on vinyl! after thanking him many many times, tyler and i squeezed our way up against the barrier for their set. it was a relatively short set compared to some of the ones ive seen them do before. their encore consisted of almost entirely clash songs- guns of brixton, should i stay or should i go, i faught the law. durring their last song, the crew started passing pat's drums into the crowd, then pat jumped down and began playing drums from the center of the crowd, right next to where we were standing. right after that, a mic stand and chris's bass were handed down, followed by chris! they finished their set in the middle of the audience. chris had his back pressed right aginst me. it was amazing and i love that the guys are cool enough to do stuff like that. they're all very humble people. i managed to snap some photos with my phone-

so the set ended and tyler and i hung around for a bit. im realy glad we did. i went up to pat and asked him if he remembered taking that picture. he did and he gave me a huge hug and signed my record. i then went up and asked justin sane if he remembered and he also gave me a huge hug after yelling "nikki!" he told us to hang around for a bit while he finished saying good bye to people and signing other people's stuff. after every one else was gone, he took us back stage and had the chris' sign the record also, saying any friend of tony's is a friend of theirs. they were extremely friendly, humble, and polite. all in all it was a pretty fantastic night.

also, things with tyler and me are pretty fantastic. it's really awesome to have a guy who doesnt give a shit when i talk to another guy, or start a fight when we're out, or act like a complete child. he's really great. he manes me really happy, and i hope it stays like that for a long time ;)

::signing off::

city-wide tragedy

so its been a week of complete ups and downs. things with me and chi didnt work out, but im not too upset about that. we just didnt have any chemistry. but a few days after that, my friend tyler (who i have had a crush on for a long time) asked me on a date. so im really giddy about that. he makes me smile even when hes not with me. he makes me forget about phil in the best way. dont know what we're doing yet, but no matter what we will have a good time. we've both hinted at a relationship, which im totally okay with.

then comes the down side to the week. i was informed last night that a friend of mine, J Rivet, passed away. i'm not sure what happened. i dont have that information yet. its a shocking piece of news either way. he was one of the most talented, most real people ive ever met. he never worried about the bullshit in life. he just wanted to have fun and he was always nice to every one. he was one of the most intelligent people in this fucking city. this really is a great loss. part of me wants to look at this with a completely platonic, socratic mind. i keep telling myself he has ascended into the greater, ideal mind, which is where he probably belongs as he was always very philosopihcal. he is with in all of us now. the other part of me cant stop crying. its difficult to lose any one. at the end of the day, all we can do is remember fondly th times we shared. i just regret that i did not have more time with him before he left. between me going off the grid, and him moving to maryland, i hadnt seen him in well over a year. i regret this with all my heart now. every time i saw him, he made me feel wanted. he did this with every one. he was an amazing human being, and philadelphia is suffering today.

we love you. we miss you. we will always remember you
R.I.P. J Rivet

::signing off::

things are a'brewin

so im already really into the semester. my first project is a movie poster. we have some pretty vague parameters so what im going to do iiiisssss..... Lady Gaga as the Bride of Frankenstein. im taking a lot of reference from the bad romance video. im gonna use mr. iron jaw as frankie. its gonna be some fun shit. gonna use a lot of black, purple, blue, bright green, and yellow. ya know, like the old monster movie posters. i figure this makes a lot of sense though as gaga's tour/album being called monster/monster ball. i think its gonna be really nifty. im working on the sketch for it now. mom will be disapointed lol. o well.

also: chi is coming down tomorrow :D im so fucking excited. were going to the desecration diaries opening and then i dunno what. saturday we will be going to the mutter museum and i think hes going home after that. i honestly dont care what we do. im just giddy as shit that hes coming down. its gonna be awesome. i will post pictures. <3333

working tonight. my teacher didnt show up for class today. that was awesome.... not. but what ever. i got work on my sketch done. woo
thats all for now. ill post again tomorrow morning

::signing off::

photos, photos, photos!

did three amazing shoots yesterday. im super excited about every one of them. first was a student's project. 4 images in the style of a modern photographer. http://www.jeffbark.com very cool. i ended up covered in chocolate with a phone receiver tied around my head. dont ask, you'll see it. then we did two for fun. one is very tokyo high fashion. the second is kinda urban/lady gaga-ish. there were tennis balls and fish tanks. its gonna be amazing. i cannot wait.

so then i actually got back 2 images from vic r. (studio206) that we did together about a year and a half ago. enjoy!

228 am rambling...

ugh. im in a shitty mood. all i wanted to do tonight was drink with my friends... instead i worked until 1130 and by the time we got home, mom wouldnt let me go out with any one... wtf. im trying not to let pms get to me. im trying to stay in a good mood. but for the past few days/weeks ive been really cranky all the time...

i do have one thing to look forward to besides school starting tuesday. chi is coming to visit me next weekend. :D were going to go to the desecration diaries' party, the mutter museum, and the pin-up open skate. im really really excited. might introduce him to some of my friends from work. hes gonna meet mom at one point too. i think we're gonna grab lunch with her on friday. so yeah. needless to say, im way stoked.

but yeah, i think im gonna go try to get some sleep. maybe watch a movie. mom and i are going skating tomorrow. tyler is gonna come with. thats cool :)

work at 6 tomorrow night. photo shoot sunday. 1030 am... blargh... not excited about that one considering i have no idea how late ill be working. cant be too late cause im gonna hafta catch the train home. w/e. ill figure it out. thats all for now. ill probably be on tomorrow at some point.

signing off.

im really scared. you see. i really like this boy. but i am so worried that i'm going to self destruct. see, after phil i'm just so scared to feel anything. this guy is so sweet and funny and we have a ton in common. i really dig him. i mean. he lives in new york, but i dont care. he's gonna come visit me so we can go to the mutter museum and i wanna go to body worlds with him. aaanndd he is gonna have me come up to nyc to go to the tim burton exhibit. he's so cool. and i let him know today that if i start acting weird, that it's not him. cause i really genuinely like him and i can tell he likes me too. he's told me. but i'm just scared. phil and i have only been apart for like 2 months. i don't care about him any more, but i just feel like im so screwed up. he's still sending me texts with stuff like "i still love you" and all other sorts of bullshit.

i'm also afraid that i'm slipping into another depression. every day i don't want to do anything. i'm depressed when my friends aren't around, but i want to be alone so often. it's a continuous circle. it sucks. i really need school to start. something to focus my mind away from itself.

but anyway. i just got off the phone with the afore mentioned boy, and i feel much better now :)

signing off

freakin sweet

adorable

oh, maury

still sick. this sucks. i did wake up this morning with my cat sleeping on my back haha. it was cute. see? dont mind the retarded hair haha. so im laying on my couch with tea and watching maury. more paternity b.s. although there will be lesbians on this episode... not sure how thats gonna work... eh. what ever... i got a mad headache.

signing off

still feelin crappy

sooo im still feelin crappy. watchin king of the hill. aparently i am going to be inspiration for a character in a friend of mine's story. woo.

what i wouldnt do for a pepsi right now... or to be in nyc with a certain some one. or both :D

tomorrow will prob be a busy day. i have to make myself wake up around 9 or 10. im gonna get working on that rabbi thing i mentioned earlier. gonna work on my painting. finish up the room, clean the rat cages. then if i have time, maybe han gout with tyler or alison or pat. we'll see. i have a photo shoot at some point over the weekend with one of kyle's friends. im pretty excited about it.

for now though, i think im goig to go get some socks. signing off

Post Numero Uno

Well here goes. time for me to jump on the band waggon and begin posting all the crap that no one else cares about haha. Currently, I'm working on being slightly sick. Awesome. Also watching the American Idol season premier. I love the first few episodes. Some of these people are just ridiculous. So yeah. I'm pretty much just hanging out with my kitties. Although I am pretty excited. See, I've been chatting with this boy lately. He's really sweet. He lives in New York. He's totally into horror movies which I am allll about. He's gonna come and visit me and were gonna go to the Mutter Museum 'cause he's never been there. I'm super excited.

So there's that. I start school back up on tuesday. I'm excited because i can't really motivate myself to work on other stuff when it's not required of me. I hate that, but it's how it is. I just started a painting the other day. I'm still working on the sketch for it. It's inspired by an excerpt from Rollins' "Eye Scream". So when ever i get the sketch done, I'll post it. I'm going for ugly and derranged. Also, i have a project for some friends. I basically have to do a large scale cardboard cutout of jesus being ball tapped by a rabbi... Don't ask haha.

Okay. I really have to pee, and make more to eat. I might check back in later. Dunno. Ciao